On the occasions when I wish to be patronizing (above and beyond my default setting, naturally), I've found the term 'novice' extremely useful in pushing buttons. You know the sort of thing: 'I don't think we should play with the Advanced rules. I'm not sure Matt can handle them, since he's something of a Novice...' This invisible gauntlet is almost invariably picked up, and ten minutes later we've started playing the Advanced game, which was, of course, exactly the plan. The reason that I know this word works so well is that it pushes my own buttons every single time. 'Not bad for a novice' is the kind of throwaway comment that will skewer me utterly, so whenever I meet a new game on the iPad and am confronted by a Novice setting, I'm extremely reluctant to choose it.

For whatever reason, I succumbed upon loading Forbidden Island, and I'm really glad I did. The game is one of those where you feel that you're incredibly close to winning, and then everything goes horribly wrong. When I say horribly wrong, here's the kind of thing I mean:

Suppose it's Super Bowl Sunday. The team you've supported all your life are in their first Super Bowl, and after three quarters they're 35-0 up. When they win, you'll collect $1,000,000. Then your wife tells you she's leaving you for your best friend, and walks out the door, taking your two kids. No sooner have you returned to the game, where it's now 35-7, when the doorbell rings, and you answer it to find two policemen standing there, ready to arrest you on charges of tax evasion. You turn off the TV, where it's now 35-14, and leave.You spend hours down at the police station, where you're charged, and told you could face up to 127 years in jail. You return to your house to find that the entire thing, apart from the TV, has been burned to the ground. Astonishingly, the Super Bowl is still on. It's been the most extraordinary game in the history of the league, and they're into the third period of overtime, which is simply unprecedented. As you watch amidst the rubble of your home, your team are camped on the one yard line of the opposition. The quarterback fumbles the snap, and proceeds to run backwards, chasing after the ball, batting it end over end a full ninety nine yards before finally regaining control, just in time to be tackled in his own end zone for a game-ending safety. Your team has lost, your wife and kids are gone, you're going to go bankrupt, you've got no home, and you may be going to jail for the rest of your life. And thenyou realize that, because of overtime, the finale of The Amazing Race is going to be postponed.

Three turns from the end of every game of Forbidden Island, it feels like the million dollars are yours. Three turns later, and you're in your own personal gaming hell. Worst of all, you don't know why. Even more worse than worst of all, you don't know why and you're playing on Novice. NOVICE!!! The horror.

(Later, a later featuring several pills, a phone conference with my therapist, and multiple Yogic techniques.)

Forbidden Island takes place on, that's correct, an Island, and the reason it's Forbidden is for the same reason people close bridges while they're being worked on - the island is a very, very dangerous place to be, and no amount of local plumbers are going to alter the fact that the destiny for the island is to become a version of Atlantis. In short, the whole thing's sinking rapidly into oblivion, along with anything (and anyone) stupid enough to be on it when it does. Stupid like you, for example. To be fair, adventurer that you are, the risks seem worth it. You, and your team of fellow travellers (for this is a co-operative affair from the legendary and demonic brain of Matt Leacock) must seek out four treasures and escape from the aptly-named Fools' Landing before getting very wet indeed.

To do this, you'll need to visit tile locations round the island, shore up tiles to stop them sinking, or share treasure cards with another player on the same tile. In order to collect the relevant treasure, a player needs to hold four copies of the matching card. You get three actions per turn, and for most of the game you'll believe that's enough. Then it won't be. Oh no. A typical turn might be move-move-pass a card, or move-shore up-move. There are 24 tiles in total, set out in a 2-4-6-6-4-2 formation. From the center, nowhere is more than 3 moves away, but from the opposite edges things can seem very distant.

Thankfully, you arrived on a helicopter, you'll be hoping to leave on a helicopter (fat chance), so you might as well use the Helicopter cards at your disposal to get around the island. Speed, believe me, is really of the essence. Once you've taken your measly three actions, it's time to draw two cards. In most games, drawing cards are good news, and they are here too, but with the possibility of unpleasantness lurking around every corner. Somewhere in the deck are three Waters Rise! cards. When these happen, the Water Meter will rise, and things may well get harder, as we'll see.

Each turn, the Flood Phase forces you to turn over a number of cards, each depicting one of the zones on the island. Turn it over, and if the tile was solid it starts to sink, and if it was already a trifle moist (and what a thrill it is to be able to bring you my favorite ever word - moist - during this review), then the tile sinks into oblivion. To start with you only turn over two cards a turn. As the Waters Rise!, that gradually becomes three, then four, then five. Also, all the tiles you've already seen get returned to the top of the Flood Deck, meaning you'll be seeing them all again very soon. Better get shoring up...

Then you die. Dying in Forbidden Island happens in a number of ways. In fact, it happens in so many ways I'm surprised they didn't include death by helicopter malfunction, just for fun. If both possible locations for any given treasure - the two temples, caves, palaces, or gardens - fall into the ocean, you lose. If the Fools' Landing tile sinks, meaning there's no way to get off the island, you lose. If one of your adventurers is stuck on a tile and can't swim to an adjacent tile to save himself, you lose. If the water level reaches the skull and crossbones (which to be fair probably means most of the other ways to lose are imminent), you lose.

Now, you'd be right to say that the theme thus far could be summarized as 'hard to win', and you'd be right, but although that makes for a frustrating play it doesn't stop this from being enjoyable. Part of the appeal is the co-operative nature. Whether you play as multiple adventurers yourself, or go for the much-vaunted Pass and Play idea, where attractive middle-aged couples sit round the coffee table after a dinner party, wearing impossibly expensive evening dresses and dinner jackets, passing the iPad round with gay abandon, before presumably retiring later in the evening to play other 'games', you'll live (and die, and die, and die) as a team. There's no AI opponent as such, since the entire game as a system is your opponent.

I admit that, if this had been a shoddy app, I might have given up. Forbidden Island is helped hugely by being a slick piece of work, and a game blessed with sumptuous artwork that deserves better than to be sunk into the sea repeatedly. For as long as you get to play each game, the screen is full of things worth looking at, and there's nothing awkward or counter-intuitive about the control system. Everything is neatly set out, and I've yet to 'misclick'.

(Later again. Brace yourself.)

That 'misclick' thing. I really shouldn't have opened my big mouth. Since I was looking forward to renewing competition with the Novice level, I thought I'd see what awaited me once I beat it (as I'm most certainly going to).

Normal - Normal? Are you implying, game, that I'm in some way not normal? That I may be, in fact, sub-normal?

Elite - Elite? Seriously? I felt pretty elite the time I only just died completely. What the hell does Elite look like?

Legendary - No. This has to be a lie. It has to be one of those things the developer puts in as a joke. There's probably some 'backdoor' code that lets you unlock victory without having to play this supposed level. Nobody has actually played this level to completion, have they? Have they?

...

I imagine that you're not in any doubt that I found Forbidden Island, ahem, 'challenging', but don't let that put you off. I'm an idiot, and Forbidden Island is a highly-polished and entertaining game with lovely visuals.

Verdict: A proper challenge, but in a really good way.